Introverts

 

I moved to Rwanda fresh out of school in my 20s. I was keen to make friends and quickly realized that socializing at that age often happened over a drink. So I decided to accompany my brother, Barns, who is more sociable than I am, whenever he met his friends for a drink.

At the time, none of us were married or had kids, which meant that we had relatively few responsibilities to worry about. Friday nights were the highlight of the week- we would gather at a small Kiyovu joint from around 5 pm and stay out until the early hours of the morning. There were usually about ten or more of us. At some point, we would relocate to a house party. We mostly discussed business, politics, culture, history, art, sports, relationships and faith. I use “we” loosely since I did most of the listening while the rest of the guys did the talking. Sometimes someone would complain that I was being too quiet to which I had no response. The truth is often times I wanted to chime in but my mind would go totally blank. I would only figure out what I would have loved to say the next day while lying in bed and replaying the previous evening’s conversations in my mind.

 Whoever was the last to return to their home was dubbed the “Last Man Standing” (LMS). Although I enjoyed the conversations and would have loved to stay out longer like the rest of the guys, I always found myself mentally exhausted after a few hours, which is why I was always the first to leave. At first, I used to announce my departure to the group whenever I was leaving, but I soon learned that this was an own goal. That just meant someone would buy me a drink to keep me around. So, I developed a new strategy: I would slip out like a ninja, hoping no one would notice.

DISCLAIMER: LMS is now a thing of the past. Most of us today are very responsible parents( or so we would like to believe) of young kids and Friday evenings will find us at home having dinner with the family and tucking the kids into bed.

It wasn’t until my early 30s that I discovered I was an introvert. I mean, I always knew I was quiet and awkward in big groups, but I didn’t know there was a fancy term for it. Now I understand why I suck at small talk, speak in a quiet voice, prefer deep conversations, and would rather read a book than go out with friends.

About a third or more of the people we know are introverts. An introvert is a person who tends to focus their attention and energy on their inner world of thoughts, feelings, and ideas, rather than on external stimuli and interactions with others. Introverts often prefer solitary activities or small group settings, and they may feel drained or overwhelmed by social interactions, especially in large groups or unfamiliar situations. While introverts can enjoy socializing, they typically need more alone time to recharge their energy. Introversion is not the same as shyness or social anxiety, although introverts may also experience them to varying degrees. On the opposite end of the spectrum are extroverts. An extrovert is a person who tends to be outgoing, sociable and energized by being around other people. Extroverts enjoy socializing, meeting new people, and engaging in stimulating conversation and activities with others. They are often talkative and expressive, and they tend to think out loud. Extroverts may also be energized by participating in group activities. These two personality types exist on a spectrum, and many people may exhibit traits of both.

The best book I have ever read about introverts is, “Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking” by Susan Cain, which I received as a birthday gift from my sister, Esther. Susan Cain says that we live in a world that glorifies the extrovert. She was probably writing for an American readership but a lot of what she says resonates with us in Rwanda as we too tend to admire people who are always confident and sociable. In her book Cain explains why the world needs both introverts and extroverts. She argues that instead of introverts trying to be like extroverts, introverts should leverage their strengths to excel at life while at the same time challenging themselves to step out of their comfort zones. And she gives some excellent suggestions on how to do this which I share below.

One of the suggestions is practicing self-awareness and self-care. This involves knowing what sups your energy and regulating it. These days if I am attending a conference, I will tend to pace myself by only attending the sessions which I think will be the most beneficial in order not to be overwhelmed by too many sessions. I will also generally speak to a few people at a time instead of joining the biggest circle of guys and taking a vow of silence.

In addition, introverts should prioritize alone time in their work schedule in order to maximize their focus and get as much work done. This could be an hour or two blocked off in your daily work schedule where you focus on deep work, without calls or colleagues distracting or talking to you. Of course having any sense of privacy can be difficult if you are working in an open plan work space as many corporate offices are set up. Or if you are expected to respond to all client calls, emails and messages. So you may need to negotiate this alone time and possibly use the board room if it is available.

In line with negotiating, introverts should also communicate their needs and preferences to others and this can help them feel more understood and valued. Though you will have to be careful who you tell about your needs. Just imagine telling one of your relatives that you missed their wedding because you are an introvert and needed to recharge after a week of exhausting work meetings. This would just be considered as “agasuzuguro” (disrespect) which is one of the most serious social sins in our culture!

Lastly, introverts can challenge themselves to step out of their comfort zone and try new activities, meet new people and take on new responsibilities. However, they should not feel pressured to conform to extroverted norms. Instead, they should honour their natural tendencies and pace themselves accordingly.